“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
— Author Neil Gaiman
Tick-tock-tick-tock. Not only has another year passed, but a decade too. I’m convinced 24 hours are not what they used to be. For damn sure that what looks like 24 hours passing, is really 14 maybe 15 at the most. Hence the reason it seems each year races past at an accelerated pace.
As the holidays came to a close, I felt a low level anxiety rising, “Uh oh, here comes another year of battle. What are my goals? Where can I make the most impact with things of eternal significance?… I don’t think I want to get out of bed for 2020.” The latter was the genuine reveal. There was a sense of dread, not wanting to lean into the struggle anymore. You feel me? Life is a fight, no doubt, trying to generate the moxy and the sumpin-sumpin to not quit. Thankfully I came across the Neil Gaiman quote. There’s similar memes all over the internet, but sometimes the real stuff rises to the top. It’s the line about “Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough,” and of course the mention of being scared, coming from someone with an artist’s mentality. It hits home as a new year is birthed. I don’t like mistakes, I don’t like fear; I also know comfort is a death trap of mediocrity.
There’s a pendulum swing of wanting to continue taking risks, while not screwing up. But the two can’t exist without each other. I also know the screw-ups are the times when the most growth occurs, grrrrr. I reached back to the Beatitudes over the holidays, they’re a supernatural reminder of how no real advancement can occur without a proper ass-kicking. Little if any of the Beatitudes can be lived out from winning as a stand-alone. We have to be leveled to understand those verses, they’re simply too antithetical to our American bootstrapped minds.
I heard John Maisel of East-West Ministries say a line that’s stuck with me since the 15 years I heard him say it. He was a captain in the Marine Corps in 1967, and awarded the Bronze Star and Purple Heart from his tour in Vietnam. Only met him a few times, but his genuine grace and humility penetrated to the core. He said, “You’re either heading into a storm, are in the storm, or coming out of the storm. That’s life on this side of heaven.” Amen. I think that’s why we struggle with coming out of the storm, or moving into a new year. The calm waters and blue skies are brief before the seas of life begin churning again. If you’re over 40, you know this is fact because you can’t hide from life anymore. It. Will. Get. You.
The other thing that stuck with me from the holidays was a prayer a friend sent me. By 17th century philosopher Blaise Pascal, who I only know cuz he has a cool-ass lead singer name; and because I read a great piece of theology from him years ago. This may be the greatest prayer I’ve ever read. As always, it seems like old dead guys say the best stuff. This one is acute because it’s so non-western, it wreaks of a posture of genuine grace. Why? Because he says, “I don’t have the first clue as to what’s best for me.” Ain’t a statement we hear often as we put on our hubris and pride-filled pants.
“Lord, I ask you neither for health nor for sickness, for life nor for death; but that you may dispose of my health and my sickness, my life and my death, for your glory … You alone know what is expedient for me; you are the sovereign master, do with me according to your will. Give to me, or take away from me, only conform my will to yours. I know but one thing, Lord, that it is good to follow you, and bad to offend you. Apart from that, I know not what is good or bad in anything. I know not which is most profitable to me, health or sickness, wealth or poverty, nor anything else in the world. That discernment is beyond the power of men or angels, and is hidden among the secrets of your providence, which I adore, but do not seek to fathom.”
That’s a fear inducing prayer, one we tepidly say, then walk back with “But I don’t REALLY wanna be all in for what you think is best.” In other words, don’t make it sting, and don’t take my money, home and status.
I draw a level of comfort between the Gaiman and Pascal quotes. Both come from a place of freedom, a groundedness that understands we are not the center of the universe, navel-gazing be damned. Gaiman is saying step out on the limb, and if it breaks, who cares, because Pascal says you didn’t know better anyway.
I hope when 2020 concludes in a snap so near I can hear it already, I look back and see the multitude of blessings that emerged from the the battles large and small.
See ya next time. ML