“If you knew the full condition of my heart, my fantasies and grievances, my anxieties and my darkest solitary thoughts, you would declare me a danger to myself and others. I cannot be entrusted with power by myself, certainly not with celebrity, and neither can you.”
― Andy Crouch
I like to argue with Jesus. Part of everyday is spent with my two personalities, might as well call them my inner “childrens,” Justification and Rationalization. They’re close cousins of Snark and Bark, the two I prefer when full of piss and vinegar. During the moments/hours/days when this foulness arises, I run down my list of good deeds to offset the negative. I then consider what Christ considers bad behavior in the verses below, and begin my assault with J & R leading the charge, “I said a prayer for that guy, that should negate the middle finger to the Range Rover… I gave so-and-so a ride to church. Cool, the scales of justice are for moi, let’s disregard my glee in hearing about my buddy’s struggling business.”
Matthew 15:19
“For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”
The quote from Pastor Andy Crouch above catches my attention for 1) It sounds like something from a standup comedian (insert laugh track). And 2) His truth is all our truth, and if we deny it, we’re lying. When I think about the mesmerizing power of fame, I often laugh when critics say The Rolling Stones should hang it up. Yeah sure, how crazy to want 70,000 people to pay $100 a night for a chance to scream in adoration. Who wants beautiful women around the world clamoring for your bed (wrinkles be damned). Plus the best food and wine; and for ‘Keef,’ all the best pharmaceutical extracurriculars. Nope, not interested… said no one ever.
The other end of the glamour is the dark stuff, the phobias, the anxieties, the “grievances,” what perfect word choice by Crouch. His honesty is pitch-perfect, we can’t trust ourselves. That’s the scary part of our magnificent minds. They’re capable of spellbinding value for humanity, and equally capable of deep darkness. What captures my attention, and is a primary thesis in my book, is when we trick ourselves by elevating our merit. In other words, has there ever been a day, hell, how about eight hours, where I was fantasy or grievance free? No chance. John Eldredge puts it this way in a recent devotional,
“Most misery is the fruit of the human heart gone bad.
Any honest person knows this. We know we are not what we were meant to be. Most of the world religions concur on this point. Something needs to be done.
Jews try to keep the Law. Buddhists follow the Eightfold Path. Muslims live by the Five Pillars. Christians try church attendance and moral living. It never works. It never will. For heaven’s sake — we’ve given it several thousand years. You’d think we’d have gotten somewhere.”
For clarity, a friend of mind pushed on me in response to a recent post, and he’s right. As a Christ follower, I am a new creation. All the mistakes past and present have been erased, per these verses and plenty of others.
Galatians 1:3-5
“Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.”
Ephesians 1:7-8
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.”
What my buddy is saying in relation to these verses is, I no longer have to despair over the thoughts I share with Crouch. From the point-of-view of Christ, all the darkness of my mind and outward fumbles have been absorbed by Him. Yes, the remnants still exist. In other words, the cancer will not be fully eradicated until the next life, the real one in the big show of eternity.
Here’s some fantastic theology for us to own. The beauty of Christ is He has forgiven me for the 30-50 crap thoughts per day. He also provides absolute truth and infinite love in a single being. What does it mean for us? My Wednesday group of Jesus freak dudes discussed the importance of checks and balances. We serve as a band of brothers who encourage, listen and challenge each other to find and hold on to the singular and universal truth of Christ. In Christianese it’s called community. We need close friends and mentors to keep us on the narrow path, and yes, it is narrow, as Christ says,
Matthew 7:13-14
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
Ask ten people for their version of truth, and you’ll quickly see how modern culture loves it some pluralism, “You live your truth, I’ll live mine.” Sounds chummy, but has glaring holes you can drive a ’75 Eldorado through. Ask ten more people to share some of their inner darkness. You’ll see how Crouch’s honesty is yours, theirs and mine too.
See ya next time. ML