“There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
In the Showtime documentary Kobe Bryant’s Muse, we see the former NBA superstar under sparse lighting, looking directly into the camera as he discusses his life. He covers his trajectory from son of a NBA player, to lonely child growing up in Italy, to elite sports assassin with nickname “The Black Mamba.” Cool! We respect talent, we’re often in awe of it. Whether it’s a musician, athlete, actor or businessperson; when a person moves past competency to a level we’re incapable of reaching, we step back and applaud. As we should. Mastery of talent always requires work, there must be tenacity, mental and physical sweat, anguish and failure. If you’ve attempted the climb the mountain in any field or endeavor, you know all those ingredients are required, no shortcuts. Kudos to Kobe for being an elite among elites.
In the film he touches on the topic of friendship, which reminded me of a GQ article from 2015, “Kobe Bryan Will Always Be an All-Star of Talking.” The journalist asked him about friends, and here’s the excerpt.
“I have ‘like minds.’ You know, I’ve been fortunate to play in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people like me. Actors. Musicians. Businessmen. Obsessives. People who feel like God put them on earth to do whatever it is that they do. Now, do we have time to build great relationships? Do we have time to build great friendships? No. Do we have time to socialize and to hangout aimlessly? No. Do we want to do that? No. We want to work. I enjoy working.”
So is this a choice? Are you actively choosing not to have friends?
“Well, yes and no. I have friends. But being a “great friend” is something I will never be. I can be a good friend. But not a great friend. A great friend will call you every day and remember your birthday. I’ll get so wrapped up in my shit, I’ll never remember that stuff. And the people who are my friends understand this, and they’re usually the same way. You gravitate toward people who are like you. But in terms of having one of those great, bonding friendships—that’s something I will probably never have. And it’s not some smug thing. It’s a weakness.”
Therein lies the tragedy. Kobe says God put him on this earth to play basketball. I wouldn’t argue that. He maxxed out his talent, and angels applaud that piece of his life, because God is a worker, and wants us to exercise our gifts. But work became more than a means to an end, and it cost him the time needed to build friendships. Even his definition of a good friend isn’t exactly the gold standard. Damn if our culture doesn’t say, “Who cares! Look at all those championships! All that dough! The fame! The adoration!”
We all have that “obsessive” gene Kobe mentions. Maybe it’s not a win-at-all-costs motor to be the best in our field. However, each of us has the thing we obsess over that takes us away from being others-focused. Maybe it’s a desire for a relationship. The perfect physique or figure. Often it’s a past hurt we can’t escape, so we obsess with booze, food and sex to numb the pain. If we parse, then parse some more, what is that thing? Scripture says it’s our broken relationship with God. The disconnect causes an unfillable emptiness which drives us to maniacal quests to fill the void. The OT Book of Ecclesiastes captures the obsession, in the words from the wisest, richest man on the planet. Solomon lived large, explored all facets of human desires, and conquered everything a man can dream of, to the point of making Wilt Chamberlain blush.
Are you a 2am friend?
Verses like these cause the healthiest kind of wrestling. For one thing, Christ states them as a command. Then says we have to love each other the way He loves us. For those who may not be fully onboard with this whole idea of Christ as Lord; the entirety of the Bible paints an image of a God who loves us exponentially more than we can fathom. However, instead of leaving the concept abstract, He makes it ever so real, particularly for parents. He gives up His one and only child for the death of others. A very brass tacks gesture, the weight of it still difficult to grasp. Then He adds that we should lay down our lives for friends. In other words, sacrifice our almighty agenda for the needs of our others. Would you? Hell, I have nights I won’t give up 30 minutes of Netflix when certain names pop up on caller ID. It’s tricky stuff, no doubt. When is it legit to set boundaries? When is work genuinely more important than taking the call of a friend who’s hurting?
If the Bible is true, and I’m betting it is, then each of us will stand in front of God. I try to err on the side that ensures the Lord won’t say, “Hey ML, great effort on knocking out that presentation for the client meeting back in July 2019. Glad you didn’t take the call of your buddy going through the divorce. Quarterly earnings, Hulu and lots of Instagram are what counts up here in Heaven, Inc.”
No, I’m gonna try my damndest to believe eternity is real, where I’ll have all the time needed to pursue dreams not yet conceived. But on this side of heaven, I’m gonna fight to answer the phone. It’ll be messy, and my selfishness will screw it up often; but hopefully I’ll learn to relinquish my plans for the day, and help you live out yours. Same as Christ did for all 7.6 billion of us.
See ya next time. ML